Eat The Damn Cookie (If You Feel Like It)

Please know that I am in no way attempting to give advice or offer guidance to anyone struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating. If you are having a difficult time, I encourage you to reach out for professional support <3 NEDA is a great resource (nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline).

Over the past year or so, I've tried to behave like a baby... Wait for it.

So babies are super smart. When they are born, they know how to nurse or take a bottle right away. They know that after a feeding, the hunger will dissipate, and the pain in their stomach goes away. At the most basic level of learning to exist, babies know they need sustenance. They also internally know when they are full and will generally stop eating around that time. This is called intuitive eating, or "Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're no longer hungry."

I've always been a strong eater - from my baby days to present day. Food is a big part of my life. I love to cook, try new restaurants, learn about other cultures' (vegan) cuisines. I am also a big emotional eater, meaning that when I'm having a crappy day, I usually eat a lot more, and I have a difficult time listening to my body saying, "I'm full, let's pause for a minute."

As a result, my weight has fluctuated a lot over the years, and until quite recently, I fought the change. Societal norms weren't any help here - women are constantly told that they should be smaller or thinner or more hourglass or that we should fast for the majority of a day and only eat during a 6 hour window. That being a certain pant size has something to do with our value or worth as a human being.

Your value doesn't change or lessen or diminish one iota of an iota (that's not a thing, I'm sure...) when your pant size changes. You are worthy simply by existing, and that is final.

I've stopped going on diets, or "lifestyle changes," as I would refer to them in public. I don't weigh myself and ask the doctor not to tell me my weight whenever I go. I am also trying to practice intuitive eating as a form of self-love.

It goes like this. Tonight, I made a batch of delish vegan Chai Spice Snickerdoodles (thank you, Isa Chandra Moskowitz! Linked below). I nibbled on the dough (no egg, so no worries!), and then I ate a few cookies. They were incredible, and I allowed myself not to think too much beyond me simply feeding myself something tasty. After my cookies, I was full. I decided to let my body rest. I'll definitely have another cookie tomorrow, IF I FEEL LIKE IT.

It's taken me a long time to get to this simple exchange with a batch of cookies - Me to cookies: "I'll eat a few of you, thanks." Cookies back to me: "Do what you want. You're literally talking to a cookie." My point is, I am loving the freedom I have rediscovered surrounding food. I'm telling you, babies are geniuses. I'm taking notes.

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Recipe for Isa's Chai Spice Snickerdoodles: https://www.theppk.com/2020/12/chai-spice-snickerdoodles/